The Legendary Rogue

Here's an excerpt from my western comedy melodrama, LEGEND OF THE ROGUE or MASK ME NO QUESTIONS.

The story: 

Brian Ryan, the mild-mannered sheriff of Parched Throat, Arizona is summoned to rescue the Clayfoot Indian tribe from the clutches of Randolph Hitlear, an ex-Confederate general out to steal their gold in order to finance another Civil War. When he finds himself outnumbered by Hitlear's gang and a duplicitous Indian agent called Percival P. Pestt, Sheriff Ryan adopts the guise of the mysterious masked avenger known as ...The Rogue. 

The scene that follows features the first appearance of the masked hero himself.

RANDOLPH HITLEAR and PERCIVAL P. PESTT are engaged in heated conversation on the outskirts of the Clayfoot reservation

PESTT: Yes, Mr. Hitlear, the Sheriff is still alive. That saloon chanteuse found him in the desert  and I assume she brought him back to town. I tried to stop her but I had an unfortunate close encounter with a cactus.

HITLEAR: Well, that just takes the mint right out of my julep. How could you allow a member of the weaker sex get the better of you? What kind of man are you?

PESTT: Well, I’ve been sick…

HITLEAR: And you are about to have a relapse if you don’t settle this matter for me. Ashley! Rhett!

ASHLEY/RHETT: (entering together) Yessir!

From the Palace Showboat Theatre production

HITLEAR: One of you hand Mr. Pestt here a firearm.

(ASHLEY hands PESTT a pistol.)

ASHLEY: Here ya go, Percy. That thar’s the Sheriff’s gun.

HITLEAR: Ride back into town and put a bullet in Sheriff Ryan’s heart with his very own weapon. It’s rather poetic, don’t you think?

PESTT: It doesn’t even rhyme. I’m no hired gun. Besides I have to take an early stage back to Washington.

HITLEAR: (hands PESTT a wad of bills) Considered yourself hired.

PESTT: Well, I suppose the P in Percival P. Pestt now stands for Pistolero! 

HITLEAR: Every man has a price. Some just happen to be bargains. Just watch where you’re waving that firearm around, Wyatt Earp. Return when the job is complete. The boys and I have a date with a mountain of gold. 

(All three exit as PESTT counts his money.)

PESTT: With all this cabbage, I could make cole slaw.

ROGUE: (off-stage voice over) Count your blood money slowly, Indian agent.

PESTT: (startled) Oh my land! What was that? 

ROGUE: Percival P. Pestt!

PESTT: Who…who…who’s there?

ROGUE: It’s not Western Union!

PESTT: What do you want with me?

Inspiration for THE ROGUE. Duh.

(THE ROGUE appears from the opposite direction PESTT is speaking toward. He is masked and is dressed all in black with gold trim.)

ROGUE: Justice!

PESTT: Oh my stars and garters! Who in the blue blazes are you?

ROGUE: I am The Rogue. 

PESTT: P....p…pleased to meet you. My name is…oh, you know that already. (pulls gun) Aha! I have you now! D…d...don’t move or I’ll sh…sh…sh…

ROGUE: Shoot?

PESTT: Yes!

ROGUE: I was hoping that’s what you meant.

PESTT: I mean it! I’ll fill you full of l...l...lead! (THE ROGUE spins his finger about as the pistol turns in PESTT’s hand with the barrel facing toward him now) What was I saying?

ROGUE: Don’t move or you’ll shoot.

PESTT: It’s just a figure of speech!

ROGUE: Hand that pistol to me before you hurt someone.

PESTT: Like me! (hands pistol to ROGUE) How...how may I help you, Mr…?

ROGUE: As I said, I am The Rogue and I demand answers. Where is the man known as Randolph Hitlear?

PESTT: I think he’s on vacation. That’s it. He went to the seashore.

ROGUE: I demand the truth!

PESTT: Don’t hurt me! I’m allergic to pain! I’ll tell you! He’s in the mountain up ahead. He said he was breaking through to the Tomb of Gold tonight.

ROGUE: That is more like it. What I want you to do now is to walk all the way back into town  and lock yourself in a jail cell for all your deceitful crimes of lies and bribery. You will stay until you are told otherwise. Do you understand?

PESTT: Loud and clear!

ROGUE: Double-cross me and you will suffer the wrath of The Rogue! I’m off! (exits) Ride the wind, Avenger! (horse whinnies and gallops off)

PESTT: Gone? Good! I’m getting the hey out of here. (turns to run off in opposite direction)

ROGUE: (reappearing before him) Going someplace?

PESTT: (jumping) Arghh! Just taking a short cut…Oh my kidneys…(exits opposite as ROGUE disappears)

LEGEND OF THE ROGUE by Scott Cherney is filled with laughs, romance and more fun than a barrel full of lizards on a tequila bender. Performance rights are available. For more information and to obtain a digital copy of script contact: OFF THE WALL PLAYS

Blow the Man Down!

Time for another sneak preview!

Act One, Scene One from the tropical adventure melodrama ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS or THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SARONG written by the one and only (with any luck) Scott Cherney now available at OFF THE WALL PLAY

(A ship’s bell rings three times as lights come up on SVEN BJORN BJORG GUNTHER, a salty salt with a Swedish flair, at the wheel on the bridge of the good ship Oh You Squid, The ship’s telegraph (engine controls) sits to the right of the wheel with the bell to the left. SVEN sings “Blow the Man Down” in broken Nordic-sounding gibberish. He is joined by CAPT. JEFF COOPER, the handsome, stalwart skipper who joins SVEN in song, harmonizing the chorus in English.)

JEFF: Ahoy, matey!

SVEN: Ahoy to you too, Captain Cooper!  

JEFF:  You know, Sven, out here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I think we can drop the formalities. You can call me Jeff.

SVEN:  Okey dokey!  Yeff it is den.

JEFF: That’s Captain Yeff.

SVEN: How’s ‘bout I yust call ya Skipper?

JEFF: That would be both fine and dandy.  How’s the sea this fine morning?

SVEN: It is as calm as a fjord in February.

JEFF: Is that pretty calm?

SVEN: Yah, sure, dat’s purty calm.

JEFF: (taking a deep breath) Ah! Feel that clean ocean air in your lungs!

SVEN: (does the same, only begins choking) I tink I done svallowed a mosquito!

JEFF: Are you okay there, swabbie?

SVEN: Yah, sure.  Nuttin’ like a bug for breakfast.

JEFF: The crew seems to be awful quiet today, don’t you think?

SVEN: It’s hard to say, Skipper.

JEFF: Oh? And why is that?

SVEN: Cuz dey ain’t on board no more.

JEFF: Pardon my French, but where in the gosh darn heck are they?

SVEN: Dey done took da lifeboat and vent back to Honolulu. 

JEFF: They abandoned ship? My ship?  But why would any sailor worth his salt ever abandon a fine vessel like the good ship Oh You Squid?

SVEN: Da crew said dey yust couldn’t take da smell of dat cargo ve are carrying not vone more day. No vay, Jose. In fact, I tink it vas Jose who said dat.

JEFF: Are you talking about the cargo of salted sea slugs?



SVEN: You betcher boots I mean dem stinky slimy sea slugs. Ven da cargo hold gets hot, even da flies are complainin’. It smells like veek old buttermilk vit a tuna chaser.

JEFF: I’ll have you know that salted sea slugs are considered a delicacy around the world.

SVEN: Dem tings are gross, I tell ya…und I eat lutefisk.  

JEFF: You’re exaggerating.

SVENl:  Is dat so? Has ya ever had vone yerself, Skipper?

JEFF: Why, as a matter of fact, I find them pretty doggone tasty.

SVEN:  Yer yokin’ wit me.

JEFF:  No siree.  I had some salted sea slugs for breakfast this very morning. Mixed ‘em right in with my Corn Flakes.

 SVEN: (aside) Don’t dat sound yummy fer yer tummy?

JEFF:  There’s another can in the galley  Would you like to try one?

SVEN: No tanks. I yust had a mosquito.

JEFF:  Well, that’s more for me. Gosh, it’s a darn shame about the crew. They sure were a swell bunch of fellows.

SVEN: Dey also done robbed you  blind.

JEFF: What? (checks pockets) My wallet! My watch! Why, those thieving pirates!

SVEN: Sorry, Skipper. Dey done took all my stuff  too. 

JEFF: Well, confound it anyway, let’s not let it get under our skin.  Besides, that cargo of ours will fetch us a pretty penny once we reach port. Until then, it looks like it’s you and me on the open sea. 

SVEN: An’ I’m proud as punch ta be here wit ya.

(The two seamen are interrupted by the off-stage sound of a dolphin.)

JEFF: What was that? 

SVEN: Oh, looky dere! It’s Louie!  (waves) ‘Mornin’, Louie!

JEFF: Louie? Who’s Louie?

SVEN: He’s my friend. See him over dere?

JEFF: Why, that’s a dolphin.  

SVEN: Yah, he’s my buddy! Louie’s been followin’ us since Havaii. He’s real smart, too, ain’t ya, Louie? (LOUIE replies) 

JEFF: You speak dolphin?

SVEN: Don’t you? 

JEFF: I know a little Italian.

SVEN: Oh? Vat’s his name?  (LOUIE speaks again) Oh, sorry, Louie. Vat’s dat you say? (LOUIE speaks again) Somethin’ in da vater dead ahead?

JEFF: Dead ahead, he says… I’m going to take the word of a talking fish. (LOUIE replies)

SVEN: Louie says he’s a mammal, not a fish.

JEFF: My mistake. (pulls out telescope, extends it and gazes ahead) Ahoy! What’s that off the starboard bow? 

SVEN:  (looking through telescope) Yumpin’ yiminy! Dat’s da biggest pineapple I ever done seen!

JEFF: Pineapple, my Aunt Petunia! That’s an enemy mine! It must left over from the war! If we hit it, we could be blown to kingdom come! (scans about) There’s more of them! These waters are totally infested with deadly explosives! (rings bell) All hands on deck! All hands on deck!

SVEN: Hold on, Skipper, dere ain’t no hands no more, on deck or anyvere else. All ve got is two fingers-you ‘n me! 

JEFF: Cut the engines!  

SVEN:  Aye aye! (shifts the controls of the telegraph) Engines cut, Skipper.

JEFF: Well, this is a fine pickle! (looks through telescope again, scanning horizon) Hold the phone, Buster Brown. Are my eyes deceiving me or is that an island over there? It is! We’ve got to try to steer through this obstacle course without blowing ourselves up in the process.

SVEN: Dat’s a good plan, but how? (LOUIE answers)  Vat’s dat, Louie? He says he can help us.

JEFF: What can he do? He’s just a fish. (LOUIE objects)

SVEN: Mammal.  (LOUIE continues) Louie says he can guide us through da mines. All ve have to do is follow.

JEFF: It’s crazy, but, what choice do we have? With any luck, we can make it to shore in one piece. Sven, re-start the engines. 

SVEN: Aye, aye, Skipper! (shifts telegraph controls)

JEFF: Louie, lead the way! Sven, all ahead full and follow that fish! (LOUIE corrects him again) Correction! Follow that mammal!

SVEN:  Hang on Louie! Ve’re right behind you!

BLACKOUT

ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS is jam-packed with laughs, action and rousing optional musical numbers. Cast size is 5 men and 3 women.
The show has been performed to great success by both professional and amateur groups across the country and back again.


For more information including performance rights, how to purchase a full digital script or read a longer excerpt please visit OFF THE WALL PLAYS.

Gone with the Sven

 

How Swede it is!

When I began writing my new melodrama ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS OR THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SARONG, I needed a distinctive character for the first mate of the sea captain hero, and found one that I had long wanted to incorporate into one of my shows. It has suddenly dawned on me that this guy and I go way back in time, all the way to a western ghost town far, far away. So let me introduce to you, the act you've known for all these years...

Sven Bjorg Bjorn Gunther.

I didn't actually name him. A bunch of us use to watch The Muppet Show back in the day and I began to riff on The Swedish Chef, a favorite of all of all ours. In retrospect, it was probably as annoying as anyone and everyone who said "Excuse me!" in the worst Steve Martin impersonation ever. Anyway, my friend Greg came up with this name and it fit like a wooden shoe. (Yes, I know that's Dutch. Thanks you for your unnecessary correction)

At the same time, I had returned to the Pollardville Ghost Town (at that time re-named Tule Flats) for an extended stint as a weekend gunslinger. One of the gunfight skits we performed entitled "Poker Chip" featured a storekeeper character and, being the comic genius I purported to be, transformed him into Sven. By then, Sven had evolved, meaning that I ripped off another bit, that being Tim Conway's Mr. Tudball on The Carol Burnett Show. My, what a shameless thief I had  been. Truth to tell, I stole a lot from Conway and I don't mind saying it. He has always been a major inspiration for me. During a Fourth of July celebration at the Ghost Town, we opted to have a mayoral election. Of course. Sven had to run and, of course, Sven lost. Ah well. That day, a customer told me that my accent was wonderful and wouldn't I like to meet their friend visiting from Stockholm? No, I didn't. I soon put Sven out to pasture before he overstayed his welcome.

But as soon as I started writing ROXANNE, Sven Bjorg Bjorg Gunther had to be part of the cast, no ifs, ands or buts about it. He changed once more, becoming a little bit more like the great character actor John Qualen, a member of the John Ford stock company of players in good standing. Probably best remembered as Muley in THE GRAPES OF WRATH, he can also be seen in Ford's THE SEARCHERS and THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE , but also poor Earl Williams in HIS GIRL FRIDAY. His role in THE LONG VOYAGE HOME is probably the closest to Sven himself, almost an exact role model.

So that's the story of the impact this Swedish meatball had on my life. In the words of The Swedish Chef himself...

BORK! BORK! BORK!

Whatever that means.

ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS OR THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SARONG is now available at
OFF THE WALL PLAYS. Go forth now for a FREE extended preview. Performance rights are available.

I thank you. Sven thanks you.

Roxanne of the Islands

 

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, kids of all ages...

It is with a great deal of pride and pleasure that introduce to the world, the latest love of my life.
Her name...

ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS

Roxanne is the lead character in what I am calling a tropical adventure comedy melodrama, a mouthful to be sure while the full title of which is:

ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS
or
THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SARONG

This piece of pure Cherney-ana has been published by Off the Wall Plays, the first of all my works not published by yours truly, a major moment in the life of me.

The story of this epic revolves around the brave and beautiful Roxanne on her home of Ooaheek Island in the South Pacific after World War II. Not only must she contend with a lovesick witch doctor named Zhivago and a 1000 year old goddess with daddy issues who's after her ship-wrecked sea captain boyfriend but also a volcano that just won't give a poor girl a break.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

ROXANNE-the brave, beautiful heroine of Ooaheek Island

CAPT. JEFF COOPER-the young man of the sea and skipper of the good ship Oh You Squid

WITCH DOCTOR ZHIVAGO-an evil little weasel on two legs

BARBARINA-the voluptuously seductive high priestess with a mean streak a mile long

SVEN BJORN BJORG GUNTHER-Jeff’s Swedish first mate

FRED-Roxanne’s none-too-bright but oh-so-big-hearted sister

UNCLE ALPO-Roxanne’s lazy, good-for-something uncle

YOYO-Zhivago’s henchman…uh, native

TIME: Late 1940s, post-World War II

SETTING: In and around Ooaheek Island in the South Pacific 

ROXANNE is based on a sub-genre of films from the late thirties-early forties set in far off islands in the South Seas, the more exotic, the better and accuracy be damned. Titles ranged from John Ford's THE HURRICANE to what became the norm, B-programmers like ALOMA OF THE SOUTH SEAS.

Both of these movies had another thing in common besides their theme and locale. They starred the enchanting and drop dead gorgeous Dorothy Lamour. Known mostly today as the foil of Hope and Crosby ROAD pictures, Lamour had quite a career prior to meeting the boys beginning as a big band singer in the 1930s. After moving to Hollywood, it wasn't long before she donned her first sarong in THE JUNGLE PRINCESS, which was such a hit for Paramount at the time, it type-cast from there on in. Dotty was major pin-up girl during WWII and sold so many war bonds she was nicknamed The Bombshell of Bombs. I wanted to write a melodrama with a strong heroine, deviating from the damsel in distress normally seen in this type of show and one not dependent on being rescued by the handsome hero. Dorothy Lamour fit the bill for me.

I drew a lot of inspiration, as I always do with my melos, from the cartoons of Jay Ward Productions, most famously the creators of Rocky and Bullwinkle, among others along with my own personal fave, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE. Much of my humor stems from this deep well of brilliant absurdity. My penchant for titles and sub-titles is straight out of a Rocky and Bullwinkle cliffhanger, many times my favorite part of an episode. ROXANNE itself is chock full o' references from the villain's name (Witch Doctor Zhivago) to Roxanne's sister, Fred  ("Papa wanted a boy." "Close, but no cigar.") and the setting, Ooaheek Island, which is the sound a bird makes when it flies to close to the volcano.

What really fueled my muse was when I decided to add a couple of musical numbers including a swing dance number to open ACT II. I couldn't think of a better tune in the world than Benny Goodman's Big Band classic interpretation of Louis Prima's "Sing Sing Sing" with the incomparable Gene Krupa on the drums. I listened to this constantly and found that it really drove the project home.

So there you have it, kitty cats. That's the origin of ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS. Take a bow, sister. May the world fall in love with you as much as I have.

To read an elongated excerpt or to buy a copy (hint! hint!) go to OFF THE WALL PLAYS . Performance rights are available from Off the Wall. Tell 'em Fred sent you.

The Legend of the Rogue

 NOTE: Three of the plays written by yours truly have been published by Off the Wall Plays, the third as recently as last month. 

It's a triple play...literally!

My first solo script, written WAY back in the latter part of the 20th century and produced on the stage of the late, great Palace Showboat Dinner Theater at Pollardville in Stockton, California, has just been published by Off the Wall Plays. 

This is my third script to be picked up by Off the Wall after the tropical adventure comedy ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS and the interactive murder mystery MURDER-THE FINAL FRONTIER.

I hereby present to you...THE LEGEND OF THE ROGUE or MASK ME NO QUESTIONS.

Hard times have fallen on the Clayfoot Indian tribe with the arrival of Randolph Hitlear, an ex-Confederate general obsessed with idea of starting a second Civil War under his leadership. To finance this effort, Hitlear searches for the Clayfoot's mountain treasure, the Tomb of Gold. With the help of his dastardly henchmen, Ashley and Rhett, Hitlear forces the tribe into slavery to dig for the gold including the Clayfoot leader, Chief Boyardee. His daughter, Fawn, is a mystic who has the ability to speak to the Great Spirits. From them she learns of a prophecy that states that "the dark cloud of evil shall ride a warrior of good who shall become a savior". With that thought in mind, Fawn seeks the help of Brian Ryan in nearby Parched Throat, Arizona, a handsome young lawyer who moonlights as sheriff of this one lizard town. Brian falls in love with Fawn at first glance, raising the ire of saloon singer Sugar De Spice who wants to put her claws into the novice lawman herself. When the sheriff agrees to help, a jealous Sugar, along with the weasely corrupt Indian agent Percival P. Pestt, inform Hitlear. Laying in wait for the sheriff, Hitlear gets the upper hand upon Brian's arrival and in the fracas, Fawn is killed. When Brian is left for dead himself in the desert, Sugar has a change of heart and rescues him. Back in town, Fawn's spirit comes to him in his delirium and empowers Brian with special abilities given to him by the Great Spirits since he is indeed the warrior of good in the prophecy. Brian dons a mask and adopts the persona of the masked avenger known as The Rogue. He catches up to Hitlear just as he enters the fabled Tomb of Gold and thwarts his plans once and for all, saving the Clayfoot tribe and the nation from this vicious war criminal. And the rest is legendary... 

Performance rights are available for both professional and amateur theater productions including community groups, dinner shows, fundraising events, high school and college drama departments.  

CLICK HERE TO READ A PREVIEW OF LEGEND OF THE ROGUE AND FOR INFORMATION ABOUT PERFORMANCE RIGHTS

PLUS

THE LEGEND CONTINUES: AN INSIDE LOOK AT LEGEND OF THE ROGUE

MURDER-THE FINAL FRONTIER AN INTERGALACTIC INTERACTIVE MURDER MYSTERY

ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS or THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SARONG-A TROPICAL ADVENTURE COMEDY

Murder-The Final Frontier

BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MURDER HAS GONE BEFORE! At a sci-fi convention reunion of the cult TV series STAR TRUCK, there is only one question on everyone's lips: Who killed Captain Kork? Could it be First Officer Mr. Spark? Maybe it's Carrie Fishwich, the blowsy actress from the rival franchise, STAR BOARS? And that alien over there...is that a raygun in its pocket or it just glad to see me? MURDER: THE FINAL FRONTIER is an interactive, intergalactic murder mystery comedy play with a cast of 3M/3F. Perfect for dinner or community theater audiences.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

DEWEY OSGOOD-Organizer and host of Imaginacon, geek extraordinaire and proud of it.  Finds himself in the unenviable position of solving the murder, though he discovers his inner super-hero as a result.

WILSON CHADWICK-The one and only Captain James T. Curt of the Star Freighter Innerthighs from the cult TV show STAR TRUCK. He is brash, over-bearingly charming with a voracious appetite for life and everything else for that matter. Considers himself the center of the universe with everyone else as satellites orbiting about him.

JEAN RODDENREEL-Widow of STAR TRUCK creator/producer Dean Roddenreel. Hollywood royalty in exile (and denial) with champagne tastes on a beer budget. Had an illicit love affair with Chadwick during the run of the series that produced a long-lost off-spring.

LEON PORTNOY-The inimitable Mr. Spark, forever type-cast as first officer of the Innerthighs and second banana to Wilson Chadwick which has made him bitter beyond belief. Now works as Jean Roddenreel’s man servant.

CARRIE FISHWICH-Longtime nemesis of Chadwick, co-star of rival franchise STAR BOARS. Loose cannon with a hair trigger who blames Chadwick for all her personal failures. Social media maniac.

ALIEN-Supposed STAR TRUCK fan who may or may not be of this world, until Chadwick’s murder when it is revealed this she is actually rising starlet and current geek icon (with attitude to spare) NIRVANA NIGHTENGALE, star of the hit TV series BATTLESTAR GALLIFREY

PREVIOUS PRODUCTIONS:

Mel O' Drama Theater Nashville, TN

SLV Theatre Co. San Luis Valley, CO (TWICE!)

Brickstreet Players Clovis, NM

Sugar High Theatricals Galesburg, IL

Rio Linda Elverta Community Theater Rio Linda, CA

Sanzman Productions Los Angeles, CA

 

MURDER: THE FINAL FRONTIER is now available at Off the Wall Plays. Yes, performance rights are available.

CLICK HERE TO READ AN EXTENDED EXCERPT FROM MURDER-THE FINAL FRONTIER

CLICK HERE FOR PERFORMANCE RIGHTS

And to read excerpts from my other scripts and/or books (including RED ASPHALT and SONG OF THE CANYON KID), please go to my website
WRITTEN BY SCOTT CHERNEY