Act One, Scene One from the tropical adventure melodrama ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS or THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SARONG written by the one and only (with any luck) Scott Cherney now available at OFF THE WALL PLAY
(A ship’s bell rings three times as lights come up on SVEN BJORN BJORG GUNTHER, a salty salt with a Swedish flair, at the wheel on the bridge of the good ship Oh You Squid, The ship’s telegraph (engine controls) sits to the right of the wheel with the bell to the left. SVEN sings “Blow the Man Down” in broken Nordic-sounding gibberish. He is joined by CAPT. JEFF COOPER, the handsome, stalwart skipper who joins SVEN in song, harmonizing the chorus in English.)
JEFF: Ahoy, matey!
SVEN: Ahoy to you too, Captain Cooper!
JEFF: You know, Sven, out here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I think we can drop the formalities. You can call me Jeff.
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SVEN: Okey dokey! Yeff it is den.
JEFF: That’s Captain Yeff.
SVEN: How’s ‘bout I yust call ya Skipper?
JEFF: That would be both fine and dandy. How’s the sea this fine morning?
SVEN: It is as calm as a fjord in February.
JEFF: Is that pretty calm?
SVEN: Yah, sure, dat’s purty calm.
JEFF: (taking a deep breath) Ah! Feel that clean ocean air in your lungs!
SVEN: (does the same, only begins choking) I tink I done svallowed a mosquito!
JEFF: Are you okay there, swabbie?
SVEN: Yah, sure. Nuttin’ like a bug for breakfast.
JEFF: The crew seems to be awful quiet today, don’t you think?
SVEN: It’s hard to say, Skipper.
JEFF: Oh? And why is that?
SVEN: Cuz dey ain’t on board no more.
JEFF: Pardon my French, but where in the gosh darn heck are they?
SVEN: Dey done took da lifeboat and vent back to Honolulu.
JEFF: They abandoned ship? My ship? But why would any sailor worth his salt ever abandon a fine vessel like the good ship Oh You Squid?
SVEN: Da crew said dey yust couldn’t take da smell of dat cargo ve are carrying not vone more day. No vay, Jose. In fact, I tink it vas Jose who said dat.
JEFF: Are you talking about the cargo of salted sea slugs?
SVEN: You betcher boots I mean dem stinky slimy sea slugs. Ven da cargo hold gets hot, even da flies are complainin’. It smells like veek old buttermilk vit a tuna chaser.
JEFF: I’ll have you know that salted sea slugs are considered a delicacy around the world.
SVEN: Dem tings are gross, I tell ya…und I eat lutefisk.
JEFF: You’re exaggerating.
SVENl: Is dat so? Has ya ever had vone yerself, Skipper?
JEFF: Why, as a matter of fact, I find them pretty doggone tasty.
SVEN: Yer yokin’ wit me.
JEFF: No siree. I had some salted sea slugs for breakfast this very morning. Mixed ‘em right in with my Corn Flakes.
SVEN: (aside) Don’t dat sound yummy fer yer tummy?
JEFF: There’s another can in the galley Would you like to try one?
SVEN: No tanks. I yust had a mosquito.
JEFF: Well, that’s more for me. Gosh, it’s a darn shame about the crew. They sure were a swell bunch of fellows.
SVEN: Dey also done robbed you blind.
JEFF: What? (checks pockets) My wallet! My watch! Why, those thieving pirates!
SVEN: Sorry, Skipper. Dey done took all my stuff too.
JEFF: Well, confound it anyway, let’s not let it get under our skin. Besides, that cargo of ours will fetch us a pretty penny once we reach port. Until then, it looks like it’s you and me on the open sea.
SVEN: An’ I’m proud as punch ta be here wit ya.
(The two seamen are interrupted by the off-stage sound of a dolphin.)
JEFF: What was that?
SVEN: Oh, looky dere! It’s Louie! (waves) ‘Mornin’, Louie!
JEFF: Louie? Who’s Louie?
SVEN: He’s my friend. See him over dere?
JEFF: Why, that’s a dolphin.
SVEN: Yah, he’s my buddy! Louie’s been followin’ us since Havaii. He’s real smart, too, ain’t ya, Louie? (LOUIE replies)
JEFF: You speak dolphin?
SVEN: Don’t you?
JEFF: I know a little Italian.
SVEN: Oh? Vat’s his name? (LOUIE speaks again) Oh, sorry, Louie. Vat’s dat you say? (LOUIE speaks again) Somethin’ in da vater dead ahead?
JEFF: Dead ahead, he says… I’m going to take the word of a talking fish. (LOUIE replies)
SVEN: Louie says he’s a mammal, not a fish.
JEFF: My mistake. (pulls out telescope, extends it and gazes ahead) Ahoy! What’s that off the starboard bow?
SVEN: (looking through telescope) Yumpin’ yiminy! Dat’s da biggest pineapple I ever done seen!
SVEN: Hold on, Skipper, dere ain’t no hands no more, on deck or anyvere else. All ve got is two fingers-you ‘n me!
JEFF: Cut the engines!
SVEN: Aye aye! (shifts the controls of the telegraph) Engines cut, Skipper.
JEFF: Well, this is a fine pickle! (looks through telescope again, scanning horizon) Hold the phone, Buster Brown. Are my eyes deceiving me or is that an island over there? It is! We’ve got to try to steer through this obstacle course without blowing ourselves up in the process.
SVEN: Dat’s a good plan, but how? (LOUIE answers) Vat’s dat, Louie? He says he can help us.
JEFF: What can he do? He’s just a fish. (LOUIE objects)
SVEN: Mammal. (LOUIE continues) Louie says he can guide us through da mines. All ve have to do is follow.
JEFF: It’s crazy, but, what choice do we have? With any luck, we can make it to shore in one piece. Sven, re-start the engines.
SVEN: Aye, aye, Skipper! (shifts telegraph controls)
JEFF: Louie, lead the way! Sven, all ahead full and follow that fish! (LOUIE corrects him again) Correction! Follow that mammal!
SVEN: Hang on Louie! Ve’re right behind you!
BLACKOUT
ROXANNE OF THE ISLANDS is jam-packed with laughs, action and rousing optional musical numbers. Cast size is 5 men and 3 women.
The show has been performed to great success by both professional and amateur groups across the country and back again.
For more information including performance rights, how to purchase a full digital script or read a longer excerpt please visit OFF THE WALL PLAYS.
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