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(CREIGHTON CRETIN, a creep of the highest order, dressed to the nines all in black with a top hat and cape like he was going to the opera in the middle of nowhere, enters carrying a book entitled "Villainy for Dummies". He also has a badge pinned on his lapel with the letters VIT. Upon his entrance, he opens his book and reads aloud)
CRETIN: "Answer jeering audience with snappy comeback." Let's see...snappy comebacks. Ah, here we are.(flips through pages and reads) "That's okay. I booed when you came in too." Did someone perchance utter the name Creighton Cretin? They must have. My ears are burning. Then again so is everything else in this tortuous Texan terrain. Consider yourselves fortunate that you are in the presence of genius. Don't look around. I am referring to the gentleman who stands before you at this very moment. Need another clue? Let me sing it out for you. "Me me me me me!" (reads from book again) "Laugh maniacally for no reason at all." (laughs maniacally) It would behoove you all to cut me a little slack. I happen to be new at this. As you can plainly see, I am a VIT...Villain In Training. It wasn't long ago that I was a normal, every day dullard (addresses a male audience member) much like you, sir. (reads from book again) "The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." Anyway, back to me. I was stuck in a go nowhere, do-nothing job for what seemed to be the rest of my pathetic life. On the advice of a larcenous family member, a distant cousin, in fact, I set out to better myself by embracing the flip side of the coin because evil pays much better than good. I took a correspondence course. "How to Be a Bad Guy in Ten Easy Steps" and here I am, already in the midst of a most marvelous scheme concocted by this cousin of mine. This is how I find myself in this dreadful part of the world known as Armadillo, Texas where I have set myself up as the most prominent man in town, a dubious honor to say the least. The only problem is, I don't know the rest of the plan. My cousin sent me a wire to meet her out here in the middle of nowhere for some unfathomable reason. If she doesn't show up soon, I shall melt away. So why am I telling you all of this? Because I cannot resist an audience. But after getting a gander at you people, I should have tried a little harder. Go ahead. Get it out of your system.
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(DELILAH DELUSCIOUS, a bawdy saloon chanteuse dressed in a showgirl variation of a cowgirl outfit, much like Marlene Dietrich in DESTRY RIDES AGAIN, enters holding a rope that leads off-stage behind her)
DELILAH: Hello, Creighton. Making friends again I see.
CRETIN: Well, if it isn't my late cousin, Delilah Deluscious. You certainly took your sweet time getting here. I'm a busy man I'll have you know.
DELILAH: As you should be. Have you done everything I've told you to do thus far?
CRETIN: Indeed I have. Upon arriving at this little piece of nothing on earth, I had no trouble whatsoever not only seeking employment in the town bank, but to rise in the ranks as the bank president within days. It was so very easy since no one was more qualified than I. Of course I had to step on a few toes, not to mention necks to get to that exalted position. This correspondence course of mine is working wonders for me. They've even provided me with this handy-dandy guide. (hands DELILAH book)
DELILAH: (hands him rope as she takes book and reads title) "Villainy for Dummies". They sure know their audience, don't they?
CRETIN: The title is the school's idea of a little joke.
DELILAH: That's why it's only a little funny. Speaking of which, why are you wearing all black in this heat? And a cape...are you attending the opera as well?
CRETIN: My ensemble happens to be traditional. It says so right there in the book. (reads) "Always dress in black as befitting your dastardly nature, regardless of the time of day, year or weather" But you are correct. This sun is absolutely unbearable. I'm sweating in places I didn't know I had before. What's at the end of this rope?
DELILAH: In due time. Since you're the bank president, you're in control of the mortgages of all the land in these parts, are you not?
CRETIN: Naturally. Unfortunately, they've been paid off for some time now only these rubes don't know that. As such, I have been able fleece every individual in the entire area who believes they are depositing their funds into the bank, but instead are heading right into my pockets. All I have to do is doctor the books which is possible with one of these. (produces eraser) Voila! Meet the eraser. It makes the truth go away just like magic and I can fill in whatever numbers I choose. Oh, eraser, you are the best thing ever. I do love modern technology. Clever, eh?
DELILAH: (grabs eraser and tosses it off stage) Chicken feed.
CRETIN: Is that so? I'll have you know that I am the richest man in town.
DELILAH: I've seen the town. That's not saying much. Now put a sock in it, you sap. When you see what I've brought you, you will fall to your knees in gratitude.
CRETIN: I doubt it. These trousers are brand new. Now what about this stupid rope already? Are you bringing a cow to market?
DELILAH: Oh, it is indeed a cow, cousin o' mine. A cash cow, that is. Get ready to thank me for everything you are about to receive. Give this rope a little tug and find out for yourself.
CRETIN: If I must. (attempts to pull rope and finds resistance) Seems to be stuck. (tries again) This is absurd. (goes the big yank and finds himself pulled off stage with a loud yelp)
DELILAH: That’s my Creighton. Weak of body, weak of mind.
CRETIN: (entering opposite, still fighting with the taut rope) I...almost...have...it....
DELILAH: Oh, give it to me! (impatient, taking rope from CRETIN, then tugs slightly) Right this way. (At the end of the rope, tied to his belt, is SLAP HAPPY PAPPY, an aged derelict seemingly lost in the world in both mind and body)
Creighton Cretin, allow me to introduce you to...
CRETIN: He looks like a piece of beef jerky with hair.
PAPPY: Howdy, pardner!
CRETIN: I am not your pardner.
PAPPY: Slap Happy Pappy's the name.
CRETIN: I didn't ask.
PAPPY: This purty lady here says y'all gimme a nickel.
CRETIN: The lady is wrong in more ways than one.
PAPPY: Gimme a nickel, I'll shows what I can do.
CRETIN: What, scare the crows away?
Copyright 2026 by Scott Cherney
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To read the entire script, you can purchase a copy rightcher.
What? Are performance rights available? What do you think I'm doing this for my health? Of course they are!
Contact me at: writtenbysc @gmail.com
