The opening moments of DEAD TUESDAY (formerly known as THE PERILS OF FRANCOIS), an interactive murder mystery script written by Scott Cherney that was commissioned ten years ago by producer Melanie Roady for her Melo O' Drama Theater in Nashville, TN.
Set in New Orleans, DEAD TUESDAY tells the tale of international playboy Francois Fibian as he attempts to solve a murder at a Mardis Gras celebration in the French Quarter. Unfortunately, he has his own problems. He's been placed under a voodoo curse that is turning him into a frog. Yes, really.
(Bob Boudreaux enters to a fanfare of “When the Saints Go Marching In” wearing a tuxedo and a Mardi Gras eye mask. He pulls it off and gregariously greets his guests.)
Bob: Greetings and salutations, you lovely, lovely people! Welcome to the Big Easy at the best time you’ll ever have into your entire life-Mardi Gras time! It is an honor and pleasure to receive you here in my home-not only New Orleans but in my ever-so-humble abode. I am speaking about palatial Boudreaux Manor, the crownin’ jewel in the tiara known as Vieux Caree-or as you might call it, the French Quarter. Allow me to introduce myself to those of you out of the loop for one reason or another and for those of you that are just plain loopy-slow down on them Sazeracs now, especially the distinguished members of the press that we have here tonight. I know how you newspaper people are. It’s early yet. My name is Bob Boudreaux and this is indeed my family estate. Pretty, ain’t it? You make yourselves to home now, y’hear?
Bunny: (off) Bobby Lee? Bobby Lee!
Bob: Relax, folks. That’s not the smoke alarm.
Bunny: (off) You gonna introduce me or what?
Bob: I was fixin’ to.
Bunny: (off) Well, get to it then!
Bob: Those liltin’ tones belong to my co-host for this evening and in life itself, put your hands together won’t you please for my darlin’ wife, Mrs. Bunny Boudreaux!
(Bunny Boudreaux enters, also resplendent with a colorful Mardi Gas eye mask on a stick.)
Bunny: Hey, y’all! How you doin’? Thanks for comin’ out tonight. (to Bob-sotto) About damn time. I was growin’ moss back there.
Bob: Green’s a good color for you, cherie.
Bunny: Black’s gonna be a good color for your right eye if’n you mess with me tonight, Bobby Lee.
Bob: Ain’t she sweet? That’s why I call her my lil’ Bunny Beignet. Sugar, why don’t you tell the nice folks about our benefit this evening?
Bunny: I’d be happy to, honey, if you’d jus’ give me some room. (hip bumps him) See if you can rustle me up a beverage, would you now? As the chairman of the Bunny Boudreaux Foundation, it is my duty to pick a specific charity to honor at each year’s Mardi Gras Ball here at Boudreaux Manor. The proceeds for this year’s charity event go to the Save the Louisiana Nutria Fund. I don’t how many of you realize how many of these furry critters are hunted for their pelts and many consider them to be pests. Why, it’s said that they are destroying the wetlands by gnawing their way from one end of the Mississippi River to the other. Why, I think that’s a crime. Feast your eyes on this here cute lil’ fella. (holds up poster board of an orange-toothed nutria) Look at that lil’ sweetie! I call this one Mr. Chompers. Yes, his pelt would make a warm pair of fuzzy slippers. But honestly, is this not the face of an angel? So tonight, dig down deep and help this poor defenseless critter before he ends up on somebody’s feet.
Bob: Thank you, that was inspirin’. (to Bunny) Put that ugly rat down. Folks are goin’ to eat soon. (to crowd) Ladies and gentleman, what say we get this party started? As y’all know, it’s Mardi Gras and now’s the time to kick up your heels higher than they’ve ever been kicked before! So as we say In the Big Easy: Laissez les bons temps rouler! In other words, let the good times roll!
Bunny: Oh, my land! All this excitement has left me positively parched. Fetch me a drink like I asked you to, Bobby Lee.
Bob: I think maybe you should pace yourself tonight, darlin’.
Bunny: Why, Bobby Lee, how you do go on. I haven’t had a drop this entire evening.
Bob: That’s because you emptied the entire contents of the liquor cabinet this afternoon.
Bunny: That’s not true. I didn’t touch the vermouth. I’m thirsty, Bobby Lee!
Bob: It’s like I’m married to a camel.
Bunny: Don’t speak to me that way, not now, not here, not ever. I don’t have to remind you of who’s in charge here, do I? This may be Boudreaux Manor, but don’t forget who’s paying for all of this. I am. You’re so broke that it no joke.
Bob: Bunny, there is a time and a place for everything. This is neither one. If you’re thirsty, then go suck on an ice cube. (wind howls off) Whoa! Where’d that wind come from? Listen to that outside. Weather report didn’t mention any storm a’comin’.
Bunny: There’s more where that came from.
Bob: What’s that supposed to mean? You think you’re Mother Nature or do you think you can buy the weather too?
Bunny: Would you like to find out? Like I said, I require a beverage, Bobby Lee.
Bob: I wish you’d stop calling me Bobby Lee.
Bunny: Why? Cuz that’s what your mama called you before she tanned your hide?
Bob: My mama never tanned my hide. She got the nanny to do it.
Bunny: How embarrassing for you.
Bob: Until I got older, then I grew accustomed to her spanks.
Bunny: Do you expect me to listen to your disgusting stories without a drink in my hand?
Bob: (sighs) Will you promise to sip it slowly like a lady?
Bunny: I’ll even extend a pinky finger.
Bob: Someone please fetch Mrs. Boudreaux a cocktail so I may continue. Ladies and gentleman, I would like to bring to your attention that tonight we will be graced by a very special guest of honor. My very good friend, media mogul and philanthropist, Mr. Francois Andre Midas Fibian the Fifth should be joining us momentarily.
Bunny: Where is your boy anyway?
Bob: He’ll be here.
Bunny: We’re all waitin’ with bated breath.
Bob: What kind of bait…night crawlers? No wonder you drown them with alcohol. (wind howls again)
Bunny: I’m warnin’ you…
Bob: You are positively delusional, cher. (to audience) Don’t you fret about that wind, ladies and gentlemen. It’s too early in the year for hurricane season here. Even if we were, we’d just hunker down inside here and have ourselves a good old fashioned hurricane party.
Bunny: If not, maybe we’ll just drink a bunch of hurricanes anyway.
Bob: As if you need an excuse.
Bunny: Bobby Lee…
Bob: Bunny Boo Boo…
Bunny: (taken aback suddenly) You haven’t called me that in a month of Sundays. You used to whisper it in my ear.
Bob: Cher, with all your quirks, annoyances and foibles, you must know how I really feel about you. Why do you think I stick around?
Bunny: You mean it’s not just my money?
Bob: Well, not just the money. It’s also the honey, Bunny.
Bunny: Robert E. Lee Boudreaux, you are still one sweet talkin’ devil.
Bob: Deep down you know there’s nothing that can ever come between you and me…
(Enter Dee Dee Demure, borderline trashy with several strands of Mardi Gras beads around her neck and mask.)
Dee Dee: Yoo-hoo! Mr. Boudreaux! Here I am!
Bunny: (breaking away from Bob) What is that two dollar tramp doing at MY Mardi Gras Ball?
Bob: Dee Dee? She’s my personal secretary.
Bunny: How…personal…is…she? (Bob clears throat uncomfortably)
Dee Dee: (to audience) Hi! Good to see you. Oh, what a bunch of colorful people! Y’all look like a big bowl of Froot Loops. (to Bunny)Evening, Miz Boudreaux. Can you guess who I am?
Bunny: One of them Kardashian girls?
Dee Dee: Land sakes! (pulls off mask) No, it’s me, Dee Dee Demure.
Bunny: I was close.
Dee Dee: Mr. Boudreaux, I am so sorry I’m late. I’ll be glad to work overtime whenever you want.
Bunny: (to Bob) How can you pass up an offer like that?
Dee Dee: I had some trouble getting here. The weather outside is positively frightful. There are trees blown over everywhere and a power line is down on my street. That wind is so strong, I could barely walk the streets.
Bunny: (after a beat) This is what y’all call low hangin’ fruit.
Bob: Well, we’re so glad you made it safe and sound, Miss Demure.
Bunny: And look all the lovely beads you have.
Dee Dee: I got all these from some nice boys on Bourbon Street. All I had to do was…
Bob: Yes, we know how you got them.
Bunny: And so many too. No wonder you’re late.
Dee Dee: Miz Bunny, may I say what an honor it is to be here tonight for such a worthy cause. Eating right is so important these days.
Bunny: Say what?
Dee Dee: Your charity. (Bob and Bunny look confused) I’m a firm believer in good nutrition.
Bob: No, Miss Demure. This is about saving the endangered nutria.
 |
| The illustrious Mr. Chompers |
Dee Dee: What’s a nutria?
Bunny: (holding up poster) This is a nutria.
Dee Dee: (shrieks) Eek! That looks like a vampire beaver!
Bunny: That’s Mr. Chompers!
Dee Dee: Oh, I’m sorry, Miz Bunny. Is he kin?
Bunny: (about to smack Dee Dee with poster) Why you…
Bob: Bunny! Calm down, darlin’. She’s jus’ confused is all.
Dee Dee: I apologize, Miz Bunny. My nerves are a lil’ on edge after walkin’ through the French Quarter at night all by myself.
Bunny: May I ask why didn’t you bring an escort?
Dee Dee: That’s what else happened. He bailed on me at the last second.
Bunny: I’m sorry, what? He posted bail for you?
Dee Dee: No, he ditched me. Can you believe it? Honestly, the nerve of some people. But there was no way I was going to miss this party so I decided to show up stag.
Bunny: I’m sure it’s not the first stag party you’ve been to.
Dee Dee: Oh, Miz Boudreaux! (laughs, then suddenly) I don’t get it.
Bunny: No, but I’m sure you will. (turns on her heels, glares at Bob as the wind howls) You hear that, Bobby Lee? I am only going to say this once. You best be on your best behavior…or else. (walks out amongst the audience) Enjoy the festivities, y’all! Where is that man with my cold drink?
Copyright 2013 by Scott Cherney
Based on characters created by Jann Harrison
Performing rights for DEAD TUESDAY are available for amateur and professional theater groups.
For more information and to obtain a full perusal script please contact: writtenbysc@gmail.com