Monkeyshines

And now, ladies and gentlemen, before I tell you any more, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

Besides melodramas and murder mysteries, I wrote a lot of comedy sketches in my life and time, mostly for the vaudeville section at the Palace Showboat Theatre at Pollardville back in the 1980s. The following comes from a show called BACK TO THE THIRTIES, directed by my mentor, Lou Nardi.  

This is one of two sketches about King Kong that I wrote. Why? I like King Kong. There. Mystery solved. This one, the better of the two, is a classic example of reworking an old joke and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work. I've been fortunate to have this produced at several venues other than Pollardville over time, including a comedy festival in Germany. As all know, nobody knows comedy more the Germans.

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, I give you:

MONKEYSHINES

by Scott Cherney

The curtain opens on the streets of New York City, circa 1933. Center stage stands the MAYOR and CHIEF OF POLICE facing downstage and staring skyward. A siren blares as a few innocent bystanders run behind them, looking up as they flee in terror.

CHIEF: Boy, he sure is up there.

MAYOR: I can’t believe this. 

CHIEF: Take it easy, Mr. Mayor.

MAYOR: Take it easy, he says. Here I am – the mayor of New York City-the greatest city in the entire world-and all I can do is stand here like a stiff while a thirty-foot ape rips my town apart with his bare hands. Then what does that big gorilla do? He shimmies up the Empire state building like he was looking for coconuts. (grabs CHIEF by lapels) Chief, you have got to do something!

CHIEF: (into bullhorn) This is the police. We have you surrounded.

MAYOR: You idiot! What’re you going to do-arrest him?  He’s a giant monkey! You can’t talk to him like he’s a common criminal. In case you didn’t know…this is King Kong, probably the strongest creature on the face of the earth.

CHIEF: Get outta here…He’s a big sissy!

MAYOR: Oh? And how did you arrive at that conclusion?

CHIEF: He’s carrying a little dolly around with him.

MAYOR: That’s not a dolly, muttonhead. That is a full-grown woman… (woman’s shoe drops seemingly out of nowhere and onto CHIEF)…and that is her shoe.

CHIEF: Uh oh.

MAYOR: What?

CHIEF: You’d better hope that’s ALL he drops.

MAYOR looks up in silent horror, then opens an umbrella. CHIEF tries to hide with him.

MAYOR: Why is this happening to me? This isn’t what’s supposed to happen? Crime… poverty… corruption… THAT’s what’s supposed to happen.

CHIEF: Yeah. Those are the perks.

MAYOR:  But this…! Why, why did I ever let that cheap hustler talk me into bringing the world’s largest ape-the eighth wonder of the world-to my city? I’m not a mayor…I’m a zookeeper! And what happens…that big hairball goes nuts in downtown Manhattan!

CHIEF: What a mess.

MAYOR: Buildings in ruins…automobiles destroyed… trains derailed…and look over there. (pointing)

CHIEF: (looking right) What is it? It looks like a big squashed tomato.

MAYOR: That’s the fire commissioner!

CHIEF: Jeez! What happened to him?

MAYOR:  He’s got the flu. What do you think, moron? Look at him. He has been stepped on by a hairy foot with a shoe size in the nineties! There is a splotch like this every hundred feet up and down 42nd Street. (grabs CHIEF again) I’ve got flat people stuck to my streets…and this is an election year! I want that furry freak out of my town… now!

CHIEF: Okay, I’ve got a plan. It’s a little risky, but it just might work.

MAYOR: Chief, the entire city is at your disposal tell me what you need. I’ll make a list. (takes out pad and pencil)

CHIEF: First of all, I’m gonna need trucks…Big heavy-duty trucks…about a hundred of ‘em… all parked in a circle.

MAYOR: (writing) A hundred trucks in a circle…got it. 

CHIEF: Next, rope…lots and lots of rope…maybe 10,000 feet.

MAYOR; Rope…10,000 feet…what else?

CHIEF:  And canvas…a big canvas…big enough to cover a football stadium.

MAYOR: Canvas…check!

CHIEF: Okay…now this is the most important thing…

MAYOR: Yes? Yes?

CHIEF: I need a banana…about this big! (extends arms)

MAYOR: I’m gonna kill you! (chases CHIEF off)

BLACKOUT

Copyright 1984 by Scott Cherney